Pretty much all my friends know that I am one of the kindest people they know in their circle. (And I’m not bragging about this, I’m being serious)
And I used to take pride in being kind to people, which reinforces this behaviour of mine.
And while I have friends who told me that I am setting the right example to others, I also got friends who told me that I shouldn’t be too kind to people because from their perspective, people are taking advantage of my kindness.
I used to ignore this kind of advice because I thought that I will have many blessings coming my way as I help people.
But as Jim Kwik says:”If you fight for your limitations, you get to keep them.”
So you would think that my life is all good right?
I was miserable. I was poor AF and barely had enough cash to last every month.
But I never knew the reason why.
This was a few years ago.
Today I knew the reason why.
And there 2 major reasons.
1. I was too kind
2. I was too religious
Not before I get to point no.2, let me explain why point no.1 makes me miserable and poor.
Here’s a fact. When you are too kind to people, you are basically allowing people to use up your precious time to do the things that they asked you for.
Your f*cking limited time.
The precious time that you can use to improve yourself to achieve whatever goals that you have.
But I didn’t understand this back then.
Every time people ask me to help them with something, I would always say yes even though I may have some urgent things to do.
I am not comfortable to say no because I was afraid that I might lose this friendship with certain people.
So my life really suffer.
I was poor financially. Emotionally unstable too as I was struggling with my identity.
Should I be good to people or not?
Are people or my friend really taking advantage of me?
Do I really get blessings in life because I was always poor all the time?
So I was always in this state of confusion as I question my own beliefs and identity.
But I think there are many times where my kind belief is being tested.
Especially in hard times.
There’s a famous quote when it comes to this:” Hard times reveals true friends”
So I was financially poor, emotionally unstable, and when I ask for help from the friends that I freely help at any given time, they refused. They gave all kinds of excuses. Busy lah, no time lah, got other important things to do la. (lah or la is a Malaysian slang, which means “man” or “bro”)
And that’s when I realised how f*cking true that advice is.
And that when I realised that the friends whose advice I choose to ignore are actually my true friends who care about my growth and wellbeing.
So right there and then, I throw away my identity of being too kind to people. This was a B.S belief.
So here comes new belief:
“Be selective when it comes to being kind to people. Not everyone deserves your kindness.”
And my life starts to change.
So for those friends that asked me for help again after they refused to help me when I’m facing hard times, I told them to F*ck off.
Actually, I didn’t say that haha. I said it in my mind.
I was still afraid to say it to them since saying no is something new to me so I would just give them a bunch of excuses until they got fed up with asking for help.
So that strategy works.
And I have never been happier in my life.
When I do this consistently, I realise my life improved a lot.
The major change is the fact that I can get more things done, indulge in my hobbies of doing D.I.Y projects and actually finish them.
I was able to focus more because everytime a distraction comes, eg a friend asking for help, I would always justify if they are worthy of my time and kindness. If these people never helped me before and yet ask for my help, I would tell them to f*ck off (giving excuses until they gave up). And then they don’t bother asking anymore.
I lose that friendship but I don’t give a f*ck.
These people are parasite or vampires (okay that word is strong to describe but it’s true)
They suck away your energy and your time that is so limited in your lifetime.
And when I did this, I can’t believe how many “vampires” I told to f*ck off ??
Until I am left with less than 10 true friends who are always there for me regardless of my situation. And I would treat them equally, helping them whenever they are in need.
That’s how you should be as well.
And I miserable with such a small circle of friends?
Nope. In fact, I am much happier compared to when I have more.
And here’s a good rule that I’ve learned since then:
Spend 70% of your time with people 10x more successful than you because they will lift you up.
(That’s why you always see my picture with amazing and wildly successful people on my social media)
Spend 20% of your time with friends that lift you up.
These are your 5 closest friends. Be sure to pick them wisely. You may have some close friends today whom you have a strong bond with but they keep talking about problems, drama, scandals, whatever right. Learn to stay away from them. Because as the saying goes:”you are the average of the 5 friends you hang out with”
So my rule is, mix with friends who are constantly growing, else, find people 10x more successful than you and make them your friends.
And the third one. Spend 10% of your time with your family, or so-called “fake friends”
Sometimes we can’t just ignore everyone including our fake friends. Or even our family members. Why family members?
That’s because some family members aren’t that helpful when it comes to achieving your goals unless they are successful themselves.
But you can’t ignore them, because family are still family. So as you spend 90% of your time with successful people, then 10% time with your family, or fake friends, and let your results or improvements in life be noticed by them.
Let them be the judge or your growth. And perhaps one day they will see why they have been wrong all along and seeing that change in yours, they allow themselves to change as well.
But for some people, they have a very uplifting family and that’s great. Have these people as your closest 5 friends.
So those are my 3 rules of friendship and I learned this from my various mentors in life.
Now, let’s talk about point no.2. Religion.
If you don’t know it yet, I used to be super religious in life.
Like it’s the noblest thing to do in life. I’m not saying that religion is bad. It’s not. It taught a lot of good value.
But here’s my biggest mistake ever: I used to think that the Bible has all the answers.
I had a goal back then to finish reading and digesting the entire Bible, a few pages a day. In the Christian community, this was encouraged and I got all the support I get.
But this is where my life is f*cked up. I forgot which verse it is, but there’s one verse (or several) that actually caused me to think that helping other people on top of personal need is actually a noble thing to do in life.
And I embodied that belief right.
And yes, that’s why I tried to become the kindest person anyone would ever meet in their life.
I tried helping people – Basically anyone, be it a friend asking to do their assignments, or a beggar asking for money, I would help these people without hesitation.
I thought that it is the right thing to do, and even when I’m left with just 10 ringgit (Malaysian currency), I would still give it away if a beggar passes by asking for money.
Because if I don’t do that, I think God will punish me since they need the money more than me.
So that was my belief back then.
And what happens when I don’t have money? I borrowed from my friends or ask my parents for money.
And that put me further in debts.
So it’s bad right?
Of course it is.
That belief of putting other people’s need over mind f*cked me up financially and emotionally.
Because when you don’t have money, you get stressed and depressed. That’s a fact.
But my environment back then wasn’t very helpful in helping me to change my belief.
I hang out with a lot of Christian friends and participated in their activities and I was very active in it.
In fact, I was an exco member of that christian youth association.
And most these Christian friends I have also have the belief of putting other people’s need over their own need.
Like I said:” You are the average of the 5 people you hang out with”
And since we’re all still a student at that time, we don’t really know how to generate money ourselves. So most of us back then don’t really have a good belief about money. And I think we all are poor. Living off parents money or student loan.
Back then I also believe that having money is evil, so I would always give my money away as they need it more than me right.
What a silly thing I did back.
But I was very lucky.
I had the opportunity to meet successful people who are very good with their finance yet are very religious and wealthy. One such person that really helps me back then is a man called Vincent J Kellsey.
So I asked him and several other successful people on what are their secrets right?
And they basically said the same thing: Be selfish.
Rich people are selfish.
They focus on improving themselves first before they help others.
And if they have 10 bucks or whatever in their pocket left and when a more needy person comes, they would keep the 10 bucks.
It’s a good thing to do because there would always be someone else who’s more financially stable that would give that needy person money.
I was mindf*cked.
And then some more advice.
Always help yourself first before you help others.
Don’t give all your money away.
And money is not evil.
It’s how you use the money that determines whether you’re good or evil.
And don’t get all your answers from the Bible.
Read financial books. Books that talk about money belief system like The Millionaire Mindset by T Harv Eker.
So I trust their advice, and it’s the best thing that ever happened to my life.
I stopped taking on debts.
I only give away 10% maximum of my money each month to do charity or help random people in the street.
And my net worth grew.
And as my money grew, my happiness grew as well.
And I don’t get all the answer from the Bible anymore.
I would spend probably a few minutes in a week to read the Bible.
And if the verse that I read gave me confusion, I would stop myself right there and then and justify it.
If the verse makes sense, I would test it, and if my life really improves because of that verse, I would keep it.
If it doesn’t, I would forget about it.
And I would apply that self-check and justify practice to any advice I get: Advice from family, friends, videos, Tvs, Books and basically every information that tries to check in into my “mind hotel”
I must justify their existence inside my head whether they serve my growth or not.
For people that tell me advice, I would research their background and find everything about them to see if they are just a show-off or they are truly genuine and successful people.
Because in this entire duration of my life, I’ve seen so many fake people and so little genuine people.
So I had to be cautious on who to trust, and what advice to take.
If these people are genuine, religious, and yet very wealthy, I would always go with that.
Thanks to these wonderful and successful people that I met in life, I was able to shift my money belief into an empowering one.
So if someone were to ask for money from me today, I would justify it first, but most of the time, I would say no.
Because here’s the thing, if these people are really desperate, they can sell that phone that they use to ask me for money right? Or they can sell their clothes which they always use to show off on their social media.
These people aren’t poor and needy at all.
So the biggest takeaway here is?
Don’t be too kind.
You have to practice moderation when it comes to being kind to other people.
Give your kindness only to people who truly deserve it.
And don’t just follow or internalise any advice blindly.
Justify it. Test it. If it’s good, then keep it.
If it’s bad, then just forget about it.
Because when it comes to life, you only get to live on life.
And if you want to live life to the fullest, you have to be selfish and improve yourself 90% of the time.